Omnimaga
General Discussion => Other Discussions => Miscellaneous => Topic started by: Happybobjr on December 15, 2010, 06:40:44 pm
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Note: No sexual humor please unless it related to programing/math.
Ok. Just posting some jokes i have thought of.
lets go to 1000. And only jokes you or a friend originally thought of.
1. What is the most pathetic Egyptian god?
A. Anoobous (proper spelling is anubis)
2. Why did 2 tell on 1 and 0.
B. They were Bully'n (proper spelling is Boolean)
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3. Your mother's so fat, inflationary theory got a lot more complicated once the physicists took her into account.
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4. Your mother is so fat she had to go on a high protein/low carbohydrate diet in order to reduce cholesterol and prevent the possibility of a heart attack later in life.
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5. What kind of number is the lightest?
Ans= Floating numbers...(Wow..this was bad)
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6. A: What are the best real-life examples of a Von Neumann machine?
B: Bacteria. They reproduce by binary fission.
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well... this one really isn't SEXUAL, but it is very funny :)
Once a man went into a barber shop because it was cold outside and inside it was warm. He refused to get his hair cut though, which really pissed the barber. He went off to reading a newspaper, then all of a sudden started itching his hair. The barber asked why he wouldn't get his hair cut even though a cut would make it less itchy. The man flicked off the barber and went back to reading his newspaper. then the barber saw him scratching his mustache. The barber informed the man that a mustache shave was only $5, which prompted another flicking off of the barber. Then, the man started scratching his beard. The barber said "HEY! THAT'S ENOUGH! I'M SICK OF YOU LOITERING HERE! NEXT TIME YOU SCRATCH SOMETHING, I'LL CUT IT OFF AND MAKE YOU PAY FOR THE BARBERWORK!!" and he was promptly flicked off. The man went for a few minutes before he forgot the warning and scratched his balls.
if you not like, PM me before rating down. I'll remove it if you do send a PM without a rating down.
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And only jokes you or a friend originally thought of.
Have you ever heard of the theory that jokes come from an alien race? It comes from a scifi story my mom told me about (unfortunately, after all these years, she couldn't remember the title, so I haven't had the chance to read it myself). The statement quoted above brought it to mind.
8. Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate [eight] nine.
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9. Chuck Norris saw Medusa and turned her to stone.
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Chuck norris doesn't do push ups, he does world downs
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Chuck norris doesn't do push ups, he does world downs
And only jokes you or a friend originally thought of.
;)
11: There are two types of people in the world: those who laugh at binary jokes and those who don't care.
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12: Math teacher asked student a question and the student said "Chuck Norris." The Math teacher said no and he was never seen again.
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there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who do not
there are 20 types of people in this world: those who understand tenerary, those who do not, those who have no idea what the hell it is used for, and those who actually use a platform based on tenerary coding.
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14: Your mother thinks so little, she doesn't exist.
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15: StarCraft joke.
Overmind: I will conquer those damn Terrans. Overlord, did you found them?
Overlord: Yes sir, they're near by.
Overmind: Good. We'll catch them by surprise...4-Drone rush, go!
*4 Drones mines like hell, spawn spawning pool and make 6 zergling*
Overmind: Go, my zerglings, destroy those Terrans!
-Few minutes Later-
Zergling: WTF? It's island map!
*Overmind Fails*
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If you go back in time to kill your grand-----------------
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5. What kind of number is the lightest?
Ans= Floating numbers...(Wow..this was bad)
love it!
Warning: very offensive.
16: Your dad is so smart, he tried to drown you when you were a baby. Your mom is so stupid, she saved you.
Warning: sexist
17. 1 represents male. 0 represents female.
Proof that men and women aren't equal through boolean. 0=1 equals false
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19: Hitler complemented the sea.
'Nuff said.
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20:
StarCraft joke 2
Overmind: The last 4-Drone rush was such a failure...
Overlord: Mr.Overmind! I found another Terran outpost! And it's not island map!
Overmind: Oh, goody. 4-Drone rush #2!
-Few minutes Later-
*4 Drones attack supply depot and SCV simply fixes it*
*Overmind struck blindness by shock*
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there are 20 types of people in this world: those who understand tenerary, those who do not, those who have no idea what the hell it is used for, and those who actually use a platform based on tenerary coding.
Um, isn't 203==6? You only listed four :(
21: Torture works because Common Sense comes from Paine.
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#22: The following comes from an email my grandmother sent my mom several years ago, back in the late '90s (and I liked it so much that I ended up memorizing it):
Jesus and the Devil were always arguing about who was better with computers. One day, God got so fed up with the fighting that he challenged them to prove once and for all who was the best with computers. Each eager to prove themselves best, Jesus and the Devil both agreed to God's challenge.
"What exactly will this challenge entail?" the Devil asked.
"You each have two hours to do whatever it is you two do with computers," God replied. "At the end of those two hours, whomever has the most done will be deemed to be the best with computers."
So Jesus and the Devil sat down at their computers. Once both of their computers had finished booting up, God told them to start.
For the next hour and 45 minutes, Jesus and the Devil both typed away at their keyboards, writing documents in Word, creating graphs in Excell, and making powerpoints. As the two-hour mark drew closer, it was beginning to look like the Devil was going to win.
Suddenly the power went out.
The Devil swore madly at all the work he had just lost after the power had return. But Jesus wasn't even slowed down by the blackout.
When the Devil noticed this, he asked God how this was even possible.
God's reply was short, simple, and to the point: "Jesus saves".
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there are 20 types of people in this world: those who understand tenerary, those who do not, those who have no idea what the hell it is used for, and those who actually use a platform based on tenerary coding.
Um, isn't 203==6?
21: Torture works because Common Sense comes from Paine.
yes.. 203 == 6. 2 in ternary is... well, 2.
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oops, my bad :P
consider myself type 02
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oops, my bad :P
Yeah, for 4 people it would have been 11.
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There are 10 types of people in this earth, ones who know binary, and the 37 others who don't realize that this is in base 38.
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24. Andrew Carnegie's U.S. Steel Corporation was a prime example of vertical integration. In other words,
∫
f(x)
dx
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24. Andrew Carnegie's U.S. Steel Corporation was a prime example of vertical integration. In other words,
∫
f(x)
dx
I don't get it, can you explain?
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∫f(x)dx
is a calculus stuff called integration
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Vertical integration is a form of monopolizing an industry (where a single entity controls each step of production and so can control its own prices).
But it's also an integral written vertically ;)
Yeah, I know it's pretty bad.
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25.
for java or if u know ascii numbers...
System.out.print((char)89);
System.out.print((char)111);
System.out.print((char)117);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)104);
System.out.print((char)97);
System.out.print((char)118);
System.out.print((char)101);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)108);
System.out.print((char)111);
System.out.print((char)115);
System.out.print((char)116);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)116);
System.out.print((char)104);
System.out.print((char)101);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)103);
System.out.print((char)97);
System.out.print((char)109);
System.out.print((char)101);
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Translation, please?
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look up ascii table... >:D
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bit late, but I lol'd, Deep Thought. We're covering both of those topics right now in ap calc and ap us history lol
and of course, soon all the railroad companies were going through horizontal integration...∫f(x)dx
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26: There was an orchestra playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a concert hall in the middle of town. The bass players had a long rest, and decided to pop out the back door and head to the nearest bar for some drinks. Before leaving, however, the bassists made sure to tie a string to the conductor's music so they knew when he would turn the page. After the bass players got back drunk, the conductor saw them and immediately realized what was happening. It was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the bases were loaded.
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26: There was an orchestra playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a concert hall in the middle of town. The bass players had a long rest, and decided to pop out the back door and head to the nearest bar for some drinks. Before leaving, however, the bassists made sure to tie a string to the conductor's music so they knew when he would turn the page. After the bass players got back drunk, the conductor saw them and immediately realized what was happening. It was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the bases were loaded.
27: We captured all those basses.
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28: when some noob is having computer trouble I usually start by looking at the computer, pretending to think hard, then say "Did you happen to press F13?"
I get so many responses.
a few "Oh, opps i did do that"
occasionally "I didn't know that could cause problems"
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25.
for java or if u know ascii numbers...
System.out.print((char)89);
System.out.print((char)111);
System.out.print((char)117);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)104);
System.out.print((char)97);
System.out.print((char)118);
System.out.print((char)101);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)108);
System.out.print((char)111);
System.out.print((char)115);
System.out.print((char)116);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)116);
System.out.print((char)104);
System.out.print((char)101);
System.out.print((char)32);
System.out.print((char)103);
System.out.print((char)97);
System.out.print((char)109);
System.out.print((char)101);
You have lost the game.
by the way, didn't know it was that easy to convert an integer to a char. can you go backwards like that?
edit: you can! java just got 10 times better! now if only we could do (int) false.
edit2: when you write code in java/C/C++, and you're defining data, you abuse the fact that 10 and 010 are not the same number.
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Lol funny jokes and being a SC player, I LOL'D at the SC joke. It happened for real, though, on the old SC, where island maps were common: I wanted to rush, only to discover I was on an island map. X.x
However it would be 4-pool rush, not 4-drone rush. :P I like doing that sometimes at SC, although it fails often.
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Lol funny jokes and being a SC player, I LOL'D at the SC joke. It happened for real, though, on the old SC, where island maps were common: I wanted to rush, only to discover I was on an island map. X.x
However it would be 4-pool rush, not 4-drone rush. :P I like doing that sometimes at SC, although it fails often.
It's called 4-Drone rush in Korea :P
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28: when some noob is having computer trouble I usually start by looking at the computer, pretending to think hard, then say "Did you happen to press F13?"
I get so many responses.
a few "Oh, opps i did do that"
occasionally "I didn't know that could cause problems"
I actually looked to see where my F13 key was...
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29: StarCraft joke 3
*Valkyrie and Wraith are flying over the Zerg Orbit*
V:Shit! Scourges are comming! OMG, Wraith, I think we'll gonna die...At least, let's die together...oh...wait...shit...YOU SUCK!!!!
*Valkyrie explodes as Wraith escapes the situation with ease with the power of cloaking*
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Lol :P
Darn I hate cloaked units, tho. Often I feel ready to win and pwn their army, only to find out I forgot to build overseers/detectors and my entire army gets destroyed. X.x
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30: "The 11th commandment: Don't get caught" (/quote from programming teacher)
31: IMO, the n-spire's novelty has kind of x-spired.
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Lol nice XD.
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32: StarCraft Joke 4
*Local scientists just caught a helpless probe.
Scientist 1 : Hey! I just caught a robot! Let's trap it in the room and see what it does!
*Probe warps in the huge mystical gem
Scientist 2 : It's summoning gem! It might be trying to bribe us. Let's wait until it makes more.
*Probe warps in the weird structure
Scientist 1 : Uhh...What is the meaning of this?
*Zealot warps in
Scientist 2 : Shit....
Zealot : En Taro Adun!
*Zealot savagely slits both the scientists' head.
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33.
Q: What did the blind boy's parents do to punish him?
A: They rearranged the furniture.
34.
A Sailor and a Priest go to play golf. The Sailor misses his shot. He exclaims, "F***! I missed!" The priest says, "You shouldn't say that, or God will kill you." The Sailor misses the next shot too. Once again, he says, "F***! I missed!" The Priest warns him, "one more time and God will kill you." The Sailor misses the next shot as well, "F***! I f***ing missed!" The Priest says, "God will surely kill you now." Then a bolt of lightning comes and kills the priest. A voice comes from heaven and says, "F***! I missed!"
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35. A captain of a ship one day sees an enemy naval vessel approaching. Preparing for battle, he tells his First mate to "bring me my red shirt." The first mate does this, but confused all the while. After the battle, he asks the captain about the red shirt. the captain replies "If I was wounded, the crew wouldn't know and would keep fighting." The next week, he sees 10 enemy naval vessels approaching. Turning to the first Mate, he says "Bring me my brown pants."
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36. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde for the Nintendo Entertainment System. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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37) * A film of the Titanic is being made
First Mate(FM): Captian! Captian! Captian!
Captian(C): What is it First Mate?
FM: The ship, it's stinking!
Producer(P): What?! No! The ship is sinking. Take 2!
FM: Captian! Captian! Captian!
C: What is it First Mate?
FM: The ship, it's sinking!
C: What did we hit?!
FM: An icecube!
P: NO! It's an iceberg, not icecube! Take 3!
FM: Captian! Captian! Captian!
C: What is it First Mate?
FM: The ship, it's sinking!
C: What did we hit?!
FM: An iceberg!
C: Is there any good news?
FM: The donught shop down the hall is having a half-off sale.
C (to himself): Hmmmm... donughts, or ship...
C: First Mate, go get me some donughts!
FM (runs off, then trudges back looking sad): They were all out.
C: Darn. Now where were we?
FM: The ship is sinking.
Captian and First Mate: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I loled at 35 and 37, and also the fact that my itouch autocorrected loled to lolled.
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38: Vegeta, what does the scouter say about your mother's age?
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38b: Vegeta, what does the scouter say about the number of your program's error?
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39. The world has ended, and many people go to heaven. God tells all the people who thought themselves ugly to get in one line, and the others to go into heaven. God feels sorry for all the ugly people, so he promises to grant each of them one wish. The first asks to be made beautiful, the second one asks to be even more beautiful than the first one, the third wanted to be even more beautiful than the other two. Finally, the last person in line made his wish, "Make them all ugly again."
40. (http://www.yourfunnystuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Lincoln-Never-Got-Over-It.jpg)
Funny.
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41.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I love you, Vinnie
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That's awesome! I can't believe that worked so well. Too bad it won't work next year. But hey, at least his son was nice. I hope that's a true story.
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lol glad you liked it
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Hopefully the son will be out on parole by next year.
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42. Two psychiatrists were walking down the hall.
One turns and says to the other "Hello"
The other one thinks "I wonder what he meant by that"
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42:
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43: The old man's son was in college and the man had to pay all the tuition fee. He is even more angrier because his son won't save up his money and ask him for more every week.
One day, his son wrote the letter: "I feel really sorry about this. I am really sorry because I am asking for more money. I wish you will never receive this letter..."
And the son received the letter: "God answered your prayer! The letter never came!"
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44: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide! :D
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45:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chicken: Don't ask me! I'm bus.....cluck!
*You can see the chicken's head flying above the ground.
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46. In soviet russia, the road crosses the chicken.
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Nunbering?
47: Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was going to be her first day at KFC.
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Nunbering?
47: Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was going to be her first day at KFC.
...And last
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Nah, don't worry. They'll keep it in the freezer for a couple weeks :P
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48:
What do you call two people in Mexico playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan
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49: So an irishman walks out of a bar......no, really, it can happen!
No offense to the irish intended, don't write me letters, etc. :P
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50: A man is in a room with no way out.
He only has himself a table and a mirror in the room
He escapes by looking in the mirror and seeing what he saw
and using the saw he cut the table in half
He then put the pieces together against the wall to make a "hole", since two halves make a whole
@willrandship that reminds me of one of woman I've been told but It is a very sexist joke
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I *could* tell the most racist joke I know but then most likely I would be killed from all different angles :P
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i know to many racist jokes to tell any of them... I like life and being on omni I no want to be banned
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Hehe I wanna hear some racist jokes, that Juan on Juan was racist in a WAY, but I worded it differently so it sounded not racist.
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I don't want to offend anyone so I will not be posting any racist/sexist jokes. Now If I could just remember a good aprpriate joke because I keep thinking of an inappropriate one for work/school/younger than 17.
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Anti-*ist jokes:
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Domestic violence is a crime, and she should speak with the police.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being raped by a giant scorpion.
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Sir, that reminds me of a joke that I heard:
Q) What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A) The Holocaust.
Anywho, Chuck Norris is the answer to 42.
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Do you mean 6 * 7 = Chuck Norris
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Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because together they know that if they multiply, the true answer to life, the universe, and everything (Chuck Norris) would remove them from existence. So yeah, 6 and 7 are close-- real close-- but they know to never
reproduce multiply.
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Lol.
[4e4556455220474f4e4e41204749564520594f552055502c0d0a4e4556455220474f4e4e41204c455420594f5520444f574e2c0d0a4e4556455220474f4e4e412052554e2041524f554e4420414e442044455345525420594f552e0d0a4e4556455220474f4e4e41204d414b4520594f55204352592c0d0a4e4556455220474f4e4e412053415920474f4f444259452c0d0a4e4556455220474f4e4e412054454c4c2041204c494520414e44204855525420594f552e54484547414d45]->Pic1
Getcalc(Pic1->A
Repeat 1
For(B,0,189
Disp {A+B}▶Tok
End
End
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What does that do? ???
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Do you mean 6 * 9 = Chuck Norris
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/me is confused ???
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What does that do? ???
Rickrolls you without end >:D
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Lol OK. I am confused about Deep thought's quoting, though. :P
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In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the series where all that 42/towels nonsense came about), Arthur Dent finds that the Ultimate Question that led to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything seems to be "what do you get when you multiply six by nine".
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Oh ok thanks.
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In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the series where all that 42/towels nonsense came about), Arthur Dent finds that the Ultimate Question that led to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything seems to be "what do you get when you multiply six by nine".
It was originally 42, but then Arthur Dent removed a scrabble piece so that early humans could no longer spell 42. So it then became 54
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Erm...numbering?
Anyway...
57:
Captain: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
Captain: TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG!!
...
Captain: MOVE ZIG!
Technician: CAPTAIN!
Captain: WHAT!
Technician: ZIG GAS RUN OUT!
Captain: WHAT YOU SAY!!
...
Technician: MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.
Main screen turns on, and a gas pump icon pops up, with an arrow pointing to a little E
Captain: FOR GREAT JUSTICE...
...
Captain: TAKE OFF EVERY LOBSTER!!