Omnimaga
General Discussion => Other Discussions => Miscellaneous => Topic started by: {AP} on January 18, 2009, 05:37:44 pm
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(Warning... this is a long rant.)
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Why the fuck is it that EVERY time my life is about to finally be perfect, someone or something fucks it up?
As some of you know, I was supposed to move out and live with Suki (my girlfriend) this summer.
Well, last night (at 3 fucking AM) she calls me... and 3 hours later... I'm lying in bed, wondering why I can't just die already. (after puking my intestines out)
Suki broke up with me again. In the end, she gave the reason of "I feel like I'd have a better chance at succeeding in life if I didn't have this."
Yet, upon asking her what things will be like after this, she replies with "I guess the same as usual."
Now, if NOTHING changes but the fact that I don't want to live anymore, and her maybe crying for a bit... then what's the problem? How am I holding her back from anything? I've supported her with anything and EVERYTHING she's done. Albeit, sometimes not immediately, but I supported her every time none-the-less.
I don't want to move on at all either. There's nothing better to go to. She's is honestly the most important thing in my life. She's the reason I give half a damn about my future. I only cared to succeed in anything in hopes of making her life better. I wanted nothing more than to be with her and for her to be happy. I guess I wanted too much... all I'm getting apparently is her happiness.
To make things worse... I have no way to deal with a loss like this. My friends don't care enough to give me more than 'That sucks dude.' and I don't even have anyone to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be ok. I don't even have anything to take the situation off my mind. I'm stuck at home... with nothing to do but wonder why this has to happen to me and why my life has to suck. Meanwhile, as I type this, Suki is having fun at a party with her friends. If she needs support, she ALWAYS has it. She always has someone who cares. She even has a distraction. All I had was her.
Well, I still do have her... just not the way I had hoped and dreamed. All I can do is talk to her now. Well, not even now... I have to wait til after school tomorrow for any time at all. We're still madly in love... we remind each other constantly... even now, but apparently, that's just not enough.
It's funny... when I first came to Suki... she was a shell of what she is today. She even thanked me for making her make her life better. I never felt like she owed me either. She gave me my reason to live. I couldn't have asked for a better gift... I just wish she couldn't have taken that reason away so easily. My gift to her was permanent and she's to me... could come and go at her will.
I don't know what to do anymore. My life for over 2 years revolved around her. I've developed a physical dependency for her. She's been my reason for existing, trying, and caring. She's all I have... and I feel like I'm losing it permanently.
You know... I'm looking back at last summer. We had finally met. It was by far the happiest time of my life. Just her touching me made me feel better than anything I've ever felt. We hugged, kissed, and just plain showed each other physical love. It's something I had NEVER experienced in my life until then... I never wanted to leave and was only able to with a promise that we'd be together again. Now, I'm starting to feel like I'll never experience anything like that again. I'll never have someone hug me and hold on for the sake of pure, true love again. Well, at least, that's how I'm seeing it.
Hopefully, this break up is temporary... The possibility of such is the only reason I'm still alive now. I just wanted to be with her... and I was finally going to be... forever, but life's a bitch. Kicking me in the nuts repeatedly every time I experience joy is what I've come to expect up to now. I guess I was a fool to think things would change.
Still, I want things to be better again. I don't want to give up on life, just like I don't want to give up on her. I never will... until the day that I know I'll never have her back. When that day comes, you'll be sure to never hear from me again in any form. I, for my sake, hope that day never does come.
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Suki, don't think I hate you or think any less of you. Also, don't take what I've said as you seeming like a bad person. You're not. I love you more than anything and ALWAYS will... I'll stay available for when you come back to me. I'll be standing there with open arms. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish but... I just want to be happy and, for once, stay that way... but I'd sacrifice my happiness in less than a second if it'd make you happy. I guess that's all I truly care about... I was just always sure that you'd be happy WITH me. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself or anything because of this... I may WANT to... but I won't for you. Just keep in touch with me, okay? I don't want to lose you completely... it's the only thing that could kill me at this rate.
You're not even gone... and I miss you already.
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ouch this sucks. Unfortunately I never had a girlfriend yet and very few friends in real life where I live in the past (currently none that I can really consider as friend), so I can't give a lot of advice, but did something happened recently between you and her that might have broken the relationship, or did something happened with somebody else that might have teared the relationship apart (over here if i hangned out with someone and we had an argument or something, there are big chances that person would slander me and ruin my reputation)? Maybe you could ask her what's wrong and that if you did something bad that she tells you?
I understand a bit how you feel though, even just losing a friend is extremly hard and it sometimes takes me almost a year to finally accept it, I can imagine it must be even harder with a girlfriend. Just, please don't ever do anything bad to yourself, there are people I'M sure that care about you, even if they don't show it (which sometimes is just because they aren't able to express their emotions as easily as others), and they would never want to see anything bad happens to you and if it did they may not be able to recover
I do hope things goes well at your home atm too
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if i was there, i'd hug you, dude.
( actually, that might have not been remotely helpful X[ )
um, i hope all goes well with you and suki
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I went through something just like this in highschool. It hurts and I'm not going to tell you that you get over it over night, but it will be okay, and like you said it may not be over yet. My sister and her fiance dated for 5 years and must have broken up at least 3 times during that. If it's really meant to be, it will be, if not there's always hope for happiness elsewhere.
I spent the better part of three years single recently before I met the woman I'm with today, I didn't think I'd ever be with someone again, right when I gave up trying she found me. 8 months later here we are today. It can turn around, if you want to PM me I could let you know more of the story of why things went so badly for me, and how they changed, but It's not something I want every body reading. Anywho, the offer is there. If you want to talk let me know. Good luck.
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AP that sucks man, I'm sure nothing I can say would help, but I'll try. We are always here for you and you can always hit me up with an email or an IM or a PM or any other means you can find if you wanna talk. Life can be harsh and love can be really cruel. Like Aaroneus said if it was meant to be not even heaven or hell itself can stop you two from being together. Sometimes a break is needed and I know you don't want to hear this but it may be good just to take a breather and let the relationship sort itself out. Suki will hopefully see in you what you obviously see in her and she wont ever want to let you go.
Hang in there,
-Travis
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It sounds like Suki was less serious about this relationship than you. Sometimes, people grow-apart; sometimes, they have different priorities or irreconcilable differences. If you're both young, it's possible that Suki is intimidated by the prospect of settling into a long-term relationship, and wants to be free to explore other interests or opportunities until she's had more time to decide what she wants out of life. This is very common with younger folks and relationships.
Although I know it's difficult to cope with now, you will move on from this. Being dumped is a very painful experience, but it's a valuable life lesson none-the-less. What experience you've accrued from this relationship will benefit you in the future, when you finally do meet your soulmate and settle down together. This may be tomorrow, a year from now, or ten years from now. You may suffer many more break-ups or difficult relationships until then. As time goes on, you become less sensitive to these things, and have your wisdom to fall back on.
If your relationship with Suki has always been this off and on, then I would suggest moving on from her altogether. Although you feel strongly toward her, it seems pretty clear that she can't reciprocate these feelings in full. You may be setting yourself up for more needless heartache by trying to hold on to something that just isn't meant to be.
Don't give-up hope in the meantime. You will meet other girls and have other opportunities. It's important to think of what you've been through as part of a learning experience.
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well thanks to zera i read this, and trust me, even though im 13, i know what you mean. i once had something just like that, then one night i got a text at like 1 saying she didnt want to be my girlfriend, just friends, and she really felt bad and she liked someone else, and i read that, expecting a good message, and when i finished the first sentence, my heart hit me on the bottom of my heel. i tried to pretend it didnt happen and tried to avoid it and make her feel sorry for me, but our relationship went downhill from there. we're still friends now, and i hope you and suki are too.
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I agree with everything that has been said thus far. At one point, my father told me, "The close of one door just means that a bigger and better door has opened for you somewhere else." Of course it didn't make sense to me at the time, but as moments, maybe months or years, pass it makes more sense.
I know how you are feeling, but hang in there. Don't do anything without a clear mind and thought. And the best of luck to you for the future.
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I would like to add (altough I might have said it in another post) that sometimes friends might care more than you think. Maybe very few of them, if not just one, but some might care more. Sometimes it's just that they don't necessarly know how to help or they are unable to show they care as much as others. In some cases it could even be someone online, even if you might never meet the person in real life.
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To update you guys on the situation, (which was back in January in case you didn't see the date on the first post) everything's going okay, I guess.
She's been far too busy and it costs too much for us to keep in touch much anymore.
That'll change some time this summer though, so I'm hopeful.
As for me, I'm borderline insane. She's just kind of taken too much from me. I still hate life, I still want to die with every breath I take, and I'm still never happy. Well, okay... I have fleeting moments of happiness... those being when I talk to her, when I code, and when I sing. (I never sang before the breakup oddly enough)
Still, I'm mentally shaken... but it's not really her fault. She was just the finishing blow. I had a fucked up past and was on my last ounce of sanity... then she came around and helped fix things up. Though, now that she's gone... I'm right back where I was with the thoughts of her both exciting and haunting me constantly. The reason why I'm capable of finding these moments of happiness is that while I'm doing any of the above things... I don't consider myself in our reality anymore. I'm in another realm, where everything is fine and I'm not broken.
Still, reality comes back eventually... I've basically just given up hope to love, happiness, and even living.
Yet, I can't kill myself and get it over because I had promised her that I wouldn't and I never break a promise to someone I love.
No death is coming to me either, so I'm just kind of stuck here.
I may be alive, but I'm not living.
*sigh* Sorry for bringing you all into this, I really didn't want to... but venting is one of the things keeping a little bit of sanity in me.
I must say, that I'm relieved that people still seem to care about me. I've kind of felt like everyone was against me for quite some time.
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If this relationship has seriously caused you to feel suicidal (and this is an ongoing state of emotion for you) then you need to start worrying about your state of mental health. It's not normal to be this hypersensitive to something like a break-up. Break-ups can be really painful, but suicidal enters the realm of mental instability and unhealthy obsession.
I think you should seek conventional help, such as counseling. What's said on a forum can't replace the care of a medical professional.
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Yeah, I know I'm going insane.
I'm mental unstable as hell and as I've said, the break up was more of the pulling of the trigger.
The bullet has been my life up to that point.
I've been suicidal FAR before I ever got into a relationship.
I've also both had medication and counseling for years but it's never helped.
Believe me, have you ever gone to a counselor? They have never told me anything that I haven't heard before and they haven't ever said more than you guys have.
Honestly, I have no idea what to do. Trained professionals have been useless, medication has never helped, and the only that that's useful at all has been the love from someone else. (Suki in this case.)
The problem now is that I've lost the only 'medication' that's ever cured (however temporary it may be) my mental problems.
Still, I'm in no danger of suicide for quite some time despite all this.
I wouldn't be here right now if I was.
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have you ever tried God?
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Quick response here.
Religion pisses me off.
I'm sorry, but I just can't stand (or understand) how anyone can find hope by reading a really old book.
I can't honestly believe in some dude sitting up in the clouds overlooking our every move and answering everyone's prayers.
It's simple chaos and coincidence when things work out how they want it and when they don't work out they just go "Oh, God works in mysterious ways and has plans for everyone." blah, blah, blah, etc.
I'm not going to say anything more... I'm fine with everyone having their religion and will respect their mannerism and such... but I can never believe in any of that.
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I went through counseling and medication for depression when I was younger, but I was too young to be committed to it seriously. The only thing that helped me was assuming responsibility for my own life, and taking control of my emotions. It's really important that you learn self-reliance and not depend on other people too much, or internalize all these negative feelings when they don't live up to your expectations. You're investing way too much into a two-year relationship, and this probably has Suki feeling like she's being smothered. You have to consider what other people are going to feel or think when you express an unhealthy level of dependency on them -- especially if you tell them that you're suicidal without them in your life. This is going to scare most anyone away.
Being that you've been coping with these emotions for a while, I really don't think it's a good idea to be involved with anyone at the moment. You really should take a step back and ask yourself if you're even prepared for a relationship right now. Frankly, you're putting too much on your plate. Give yourself more time to come out of your teenage phase (I'm assuming you're in highschool?) and get a better idea of what you want from life before you try to get seriously involved with anyone.
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Quick response here.
Religion pisses me off.
I'm sorry, but I just can't stand (or understand) how anyone can find hope by reading a really old book.
I can't honestly believe in some dude sitting up in the clouds overlooking our every move and answering everyone's prayers.
It's simple chaos and coincidence when things work out how they want it and when they don't work out they just go "Oh, God works in mysterious ways and has plans for everyone." blah, blah, blah, etc.
I'm not going to say anything more... I'm fine with everyone having their religion and will respect their mannerism and such... but I can never believe in any of that.
I don't believe most of that crap either. God isn't some dude who sits in the clouds and "works in mysterious ways" whatever the hell that means. I respect your views, but I don't like how you've been getting a crappy view of God and stuff. It's not just about a book, it's about a relationship with our creator and our saviour. I'd say more, but IIRC DJ doesn't want religion in the forum or something. There are a few books I think you should read to get a better view of 'religion' as you call it (which I don't believe is an accurate description of it because it isn't a bunch of rules and stuff, just a faith and a relationship) if you want to try to get your hands on the Gospel of Peace by Jim Richards, and maybe The Shack. these are great books that describe it better. I'm not the best at this so I might not have made the best book choice recommendations, but one more about that 'old book' it's not that old in the scheme of things (well part of it is, but other parts are under 2000 years old) how about you give it a quick read (the New Testament though, it's a bit more relevant for you I guess). I wish I knew more of what to say, but well here is what I do know....yeah...
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To be honest, I never had told her that I was suicidal without her.
Though, you seem to have a lot of good points.
I have lost most of my self-reliance and I kind of had been relying on her too much. (although, I highly doubt she knew how much I relied on her)
Also, from your last post, it really had a lot to do with the fact that she wasn't ready to commit her life to someone so early.
Anyway, I know I'm not ready for a relationship anymore. I couldn't stomach it at this point. Besides, I really don't want to put another girl that I may love into my life problems before I can handle them.
Ugh, fuck it. I'm hopeless.
I'll try and continue this conversation after I get some sleep. My mind is even more unstable when I get tired.
Gah, I'm sorry Zera. You really don't have to get involved... I just feel like I'm being an ass to someone that's trying to help me.
G'night guys... I'll see ya tomorrow.
(EDIT: I'll also see if I can give you a proper response tomorrow, Eeems.. once again, I'm tired and my mind is elsewhere.)
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it really had a lot to do with the fact that she wasn't ready to commit her life to someone so early.
This is often the case with young people who try to get involved in long-term relationships. When you're young, you tend to want to experiment with a lot of different things and have fun. A lot of younger people who try to tie themselves down too early feel like they've sacrificed a lot of opportunities, or often wonder about the "what-ifs." If Suki is your first serious girlfriend, then you might feel the same way later on down the road. Why settle down with the first person who comes along? You're young and inexperienced, and need more time before you can commit to something so long-term.
If you give yourself more time apart from Suki, then you may feel a lot differently about your relationship. Time heals. (see my signature -- "patience is the cure for all suffering")
You really don't have to get involved... I just feel like I'm being an ass to someone that's trying to help me.
You're not being rude at all, and it's no problem. If my advice is helpful to you, then it's worth my time. :)
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I am unsure if it's the same in all countries, states, hospitals, but my mom went to see counselors, psychologist, therapists and it only partially helps. The way it helps is that they can give advice on how to solve the problems. That's if you didn't heard it all alerady. Sharing your problems with a counselor might help, as he will know some advices to help you. However, it's a stranger, not a friend or someone close to you who care. Sometimes you just need to talk and for that it's friends, if they care. Personally I might only know you online but I consider you as friend. Idk on your side, but I personally do care. I might not be able to help you (my crappy social skills combined with my lower english skills makes it even worse, btw), but I'm here to listen. I might sometimes seems like I don't care that much, but it's not the case. I just tend to not show my emotions as much (I would win the jackpot at 6/49 or Super 7 and unlike most other people I wouldn't even go nuts. I would start getting more and more excited within the next few days). However I still care about you, even if we're several thousands of miles away.
Since you did talk to me alerady about stuff, I do personally know if you feel down it wasn't caused just by the broken relationship with your gf. It's other stuff that happened before and I can't imagine how much pain you went through. I won't talk about it, though, per respect for you, since it's supposed to be between us, but I do wish you didn't have to go through all this shit. A counselor/therapist might be able to help a bit, but personally I'm not too fond of the idea. Over where I live, there's a 12 months waiting list to see a therapist, psychiatrist and between 2 and 6 months for psychologists and counselors. In USA, waiting lists are shorter, but health care is not free (unless your parents got insurances). Second thing: when you go see such person, you generally go see her for short periods of time so you got to go see them several times afterward. Not only sometimes it's like once a week at most, but also, in some cases, you never get to see the same person everytime. Basically, everytime you go at the hospital or whatever, you'll have to tell all your problems over and over again. Not good IMHO. Maybe things are different in USA, though...
As for religion, it only helps if you believe in it, and it's everyone choices if they want to believe in something or not. Personally I don't. And I'm not going to start, especially not after I heard about the Duplessis Orphans incidents in the late '90s (which nearly leaded to religion demise over here the years after it made the news)
I am still unsure how you managed to get through all that stuff in your life. I'll be honest with you, whenever I open Omnimaga forums starting on late afternoons during week or during weekends until night, I hope you'll be online at least a few of the times I'll check and whenever I look at the front page or a topic then see your nick somewhere I immediately think:"I hope he's ok". Once I think I pmed you because you were not on chat for a long while. Unfortunately I got pissed (sorry again about that), but it wasn't at you, it's just that I was getting pretty worried so my emotions weren't really stable. Afterward you explained to me why tho, so I understood, but I was still hoping things were ok afterward. But If the person keeps everything inside and feels down, i tend to get more worried if I don't know what's up, which is why I am always open if the person wants to talk (providing I am online)
I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends. If it's a friend online or a friend/family member who lives pretty far away from me, I tend to get scared a bit more in some ways because if something bad is to happen, I am too far away to be able to prevent it or come to help. This is why sometimes I wish I or you lived closer. Personally if one of my friend lived close and I trusted him and had pretty huge trouble I would even be willing to take him home for a while (altough he would probably need to buy his own food, because me and my brother aren't really rich x.x and the person would have to smoke outside because my brother doesn't allow people to smoke inside the appartment)
I just want you to remind you one thing Jeff (assuming it's your name, noticing your website copyright and Ticalc profile), your Ex was/is not the only person in the entire world who cares about you. I don't know about your family members, but you still have at least one (I am sure there are more) person who cares a lot about you, and I learned in my life that the few people who cares about you are what counts. I personally got through some hard times, but FAR much less worse than you, but I still had periods where I felt down and suicidals, especially during early 1999, a bit during early 2002, through 2006 and Early 2008, and what saved me everytime is reminding myself that there were some people who cared, even if some lived several miles away. Think about how all these people would feel if you disappeared completly too.
Anyway I wish I could help more. I hope you do understand what I mean and I hope things will go better as soon as possible. And remember, even if your ex decided to never return with you, I know it's hard, I lost people I liked before and almost wanted to disappear, but PLEASE remember what I said in the previous paragraph.
I do also hope none of the people here went, are going nor will ever go through the same shit
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sorry, this might seem offtopicish, but there is a religion called Jedi, and they believe that there is one force that unites the universe, and there are over 21000 members worldwide.
lol