Omnimaga
General Discussion => Other Discussions => Humour and Jokes => Topic started by: z80man on April 20, 2011, 01:50:41 am
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Yeah so basically the idea is to post the requirements for working at TI on either the nspire or the 83+ series.
1. Optimizations are key. When adding 9 or 15 use bcall_HLplus9 or bcall_HLplus15 instead of their unoptimized add counterparts.
2. You must know less than 10 asm instructions. If you know more than that then you might try to optimize the code :P
3. f**k user friendliness. We're here to prevent those d**n programmers from playing their games.
4. The teacher is your boss.
5. A certificate of high school dropout is necessary to become one of our coders.
6. When quoting our inspiration for the CX's color screen say, "There was none, we were the original creators" then hide the Prizm you were playing minesweeper on :P
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7: Lock, lock and lock. The more it's locked down the better.
8: Also keep an eye on those forums, we might learn something from them that we didn't know ourselves
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09. If you can make it look prettier, go for it. Don't even stop to think about whether or not it will slow down, hose up, or crash the calculator.
10. Nobody needs use of the full amount of RAM or the the whole processor. It's a calculator. It does calculations. That's it. Keep that stuff under lock and key.
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11: Thou shalt never think about what the users think. Always remember that programmers have no ability to do any damage to anyone, but teachers might eventually figure out that "programs" includes games. What? That key can have less values than the universe? Lock it down,
HARDER,
BETTER,
FASTER,
STRONGER!
And no Beatles!
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12: You must submit a copy of your latest programs, and they must contain at least 3 bugs.
13: You must do your income taxes on one of the "approved" calculators.
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14. Tokens that take up space and do nothing? The more space wasted the merrier.
15. Remember, no Optimizations, keep unused code. The bigger the better, right?
btw, awesome topic. :P
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16. Discontinue the best and most advanced Z80 calculators you ever made. (TI-86's)
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17. If you have spare time make impossible tasks for those programmers harder
I love this thread it is so true
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18: When you use brand new hardware that is far above what we've used before in a new calc, make sure it runs incredibly slowly, so people will still buy the old calcs.
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19: If you receive a bug report, be sure to add two more bugs fixing that one.
20: When setting flags, always be sure to set the bit to the left of the flag you want. There's nothing like genetic algorithms to improve the quality of your code.
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21: All employees must code drunk.
22: If you are not old enough to be drunk, you must be tripping whilst coding.
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It actually does help: http://xkcd.com/323/ and http://clrhome.blogspot.com/2011/03/leaked-ti-engineers-reached-ballmer.html :P
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23: code the built in interpreted language to be as hard as possible to store data and handle graphics.
24: be sure to add in that 2048 bit RSA key in that 100 byte document!
25: don't worry about how much space the OS takes up, as long as you leave enough space for a spreadsheet file to be stored.
26: pick the worst screen possible! Blur is our friend!
27: make the calculator look really sleek on the outside to hide the 2.4 KB RAM chip and the half-working software.
28: look out for the tides of march, when all those pesky programmers seem to crack everything all at once!
29: only allow the uninformed janitor answer TI-CARES messages.
30: if a teacher says to make a calculator, make it. If the teacher tells you to make it really expensive with a color screen but only allow basic arithmetic and SIN, COS, and TAN functions on it, make it. If they tell you to chop your balls off and eat them, look for a really sharp pair of scissors and forks.
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31: And if they say sanity is lava, say "How hot?"
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32: Users can't keep up with programs that are too fast. Insert artificial slowdown so that everyone will be able to enjoy the product.
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33: Know how to respond to customer complaints. Don't bother finding out what actually happened; just know what to say at the right time.
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34. It's dangerous to run code on the upper ram page. They might steal our proprietary flashcards app. Lock it off!!
35. Those who code in Axe will be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.
36. Just make new names for the calculator that way we never have to lower the price. eg. 83, 83+, 83+ SE, 84+, 84+ SE
37. If we don't add encryption and RSA keys then who will?
38. Remember that buggy connection software is needed to transfer files.
39. Make sure that when you enter press-to-test the calculator can never leave.
40. If we send DMCA notices to them then maybe they will stop making games.
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41: If you can remember the technology, you can't use it.
42: Let the users find the bugs.
43: Make the screens as slow as possible, too.
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44. Creative calc programmers are evil because they know howto make the best of their calc.
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45: Teach them about probability. Make it interesting, and use random percentages of whether it should crash, return the correct result, or do some other unexplainable result, like opening a black hole. Oh, the random number routine always returns 0 for giving the correct result? Oh well, that works, anyway.
46: You shouldn't know if it is the correct or incorrect answer either, because if you know math, then you might use your calc for something else... like... something actually useful.
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47: Make sure a drawing of a clover made only with parametric functions is the coolest thing you can do with the calc. Of course, make the render horribly slow. Remember, 'function' has the word 'fun' in it.
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47: Make sure a drawing of a clover made only with parametric functions is the coolest thing you can do with the calc. Of course, make the render horribly slow. Remember, 'function' has the word 'fun' in it.
48: And is obviously not part of the word 'functional', so don't even think about it!
49: If a turtle can cross the country before your program finishes, it's too fast.
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50: 20 and 25 MHz mode? No that costs like 50 cents more to make each model to add 2 more connections to the 15 MHz thing instead, so then it can be easier to go slow.
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51: Obey the law of inverse coolness: The more powerful a calc could be the more it should be slowed down/locked/prone to random crashes.
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52: You have be a greedy person that enjoys ripping people off, you have to be a person that enjoys selling hardware that costs nothing for hundreds of dollars.
We should make a better company than T.I. that sells "high quality" products instead of high price for low quality. Better calculator design, more functions (including a watch), and programmable in many languages. In fact, we should have a bunch of different model branches. One branch could be for calculators that are MAINLY for math and graphing (only programmable in CompanyNameBasic), another branch mainly for programming, barely any math and yet programmable in any language, like a computer (Except all the commands are accessed via menus, and the codes on the menus change depending on the filetype you make ex. .html .java .etc). I doubt we will start this company. I might start one when I'm older. I might never start the company though.
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53: Find useful apps on ticalc.org and such, add bugs and un-optimizations, and submit them for the latest OS. Remember rules 12 and 15 always.
*cough* PrettyPrint *cough*