Author Topic: Life's a Bitch  (Read 7179 times)

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Offline {AP}

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Life's a Bitch
« on: January 18, 2009, 05:37:44 pm »
(Warning... this is a long rant.)
______________________

Why the fuck is it that EVERY time my life is about to finally be perfect, someone or something fucks it up?
As some of you know, I was supposed to move out and live with Suki (my girlfriend) this summer.

Well, last night (at 3 fucking AM) she calls me... and 3 hours later... I'm lying in bed, wondering why I can't just die already. (after puking my intestines out)
Suki broke up with me again. In the end, she gave the reason of "I feel like I'd have a better chance at succeeding in life if I didn't have this."
Yet, upon asking her what things will be like after this, she replies with "I guess the same as usual."

Now, if NOTHING changes but the fact that I don't want to live anymore, and her maybe crying for a bit... then what's the problem? How am I holding her back from anything? I've supported her with anything and EVERYTHING she's done. Albeit, sometimes not immediately, but I supported her every time none-the-less.

I don't want to move on at all either. There's nothing better to go to. She's is honestly the most important thing in my life. She's the reason I give half a damn about my future. I only cared to succeed in anything in hopes of making her life better. I wanted nothing more than to be with her and for her to be happy. I guess I wanted too much... all I'm getting apparently is her happiness.

To make things worse... I have no way to deal with a loss like this. My friends don't care enough to give me more than 'That sucks dude.' and I don't even have anyone to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be ok. I don't even have anything to take the situation off my mind. I'm stuck at home... with nothing to do but wonder why this has to happen to me and why my life has to suck. Meanwhile, as I type this, Suki is having fun at a party with her friends. If she needs support, she ALWAYS has it. She always has someone who cares. She even has a distraction. All I had was her.

Well, I still do have her... just not the way I had hoped and dreamed. All I can do is talk to her now. Well, not even now... I have to wait til after school tomorrow for any time at all. We're still madly in love... we remind each other constantly... even now, but apparently, that's just not enough.

It's funny... when I first came to Suki... she was a shell of what she is today. She even thanked me for making her make her life better. I never felt like she owed me either. She gave me my reason to live. I couldn't have asked for a better gift... I just wish she couldn't have taken that reason away so easily. My gift to her was permanent and she's to me... could come and go at her will.

I don't know what to do anymore. My life for over 2 years revolved around her. I've developed a physical dependency for her. She's been my reason for existing, trying, and caring. She's all I have... and I feel like I'm losing it permanently.

You know... I'm looking back at last summer. We had finally met. It was by far the happiest time of my life. Just her touching me made me feel better than anything I've ever felt. We hugged, kissed, and just plain showed each other physical love. It's something I had NEVER experienced in my life until then... I never wanted to leave and was only able to with a promise that we'd be together again. Now, I'm starting to feel like I'll never experience anything like that again. I'll never have someone hug me and hold on for the sake of pure, true love again. Well, at least, that's how I'm seeing it.

Hopefully, this break up is temporary... The possibility of such is the only reason I'm still alive now. I just wanted to be with her... and I was finally going to be... forever, but life's a bitch. Kicking me in the nuts repeatedly every time I experience joy is what I've come to expect up to now. I guess I was a fool to think things would change.

Still, I want things to be better again. I don't want to give up on life, just like I don't want to give up on her. I never will... until the day that I know I'll never have her back. When that day comes, you'll be sure to never hear from me again in any form. I, for my sake, hope that day never does come.
______________________

Suki, don't think I hate you or think any less of you. Also, don't take what I've said as you seeming like a bad person. You're not. I love you more than anything and ALWAYS will... I'll stay available for when you come back to me. I'll be standing there with open arms. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish but... I just want to be happy and, for once, stay that way... but I'd sacrifice my happiness in less than a second if it'd make you happy. I guess that's all I truly care about... I was just always sure that you'd be happy WITH me. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself or anything because of this... I may WANT to... but I won't for you. Just keep in touch with me, okay? I don't want to lose you completely... it's the only thing that could kill me at this rate.

You're not even gone... and I miss you already.

Offline DJ Omnimaga

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2009, 06:48:58 pm »
ouch this sucks. Unfortunately I never had a girlfriend yet and very few friends in real life where I live in the past (currently none that I can really consider as friend), so I can't give a lot of advice, but did something happened recently between you and her that might have broken the relationship, or did something happened with somebody else that might have teared the relationship apart (over here if i hangned out with someone and we had an argument or something, there are big chances that person would slander me and ruin my reputation)? Maybe you could ask her what's wrong and that if you did something bad that she tells you?

I understand a bit how you feel though, even just losing a friend is extremly hard and it sometimes takes me almost a year to finally accept it, I can imagine it must be even harder with a girlfriend. Just, please don't ever do anything bad to yourself, there are people I'M sure that care about you, even if they don't show it (which sometimes is just because they aren't able to express their emotions as easily as others), and they would never want to see anything bad happens to you and if it did they may not be able to recover

I do hope things goes well at your home atm too
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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2009, 11:17:57 pm »
if i was there, i'd hug you, dude.

( actually, that might have not been remotely helpful X[     )

um, i hope all goes well with you and suki

Offline AaroneusTheGreat

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2009, 12:11:52 pm »
I went through something just like this in highschool. It hurts and I'm not going to tell you that you get over it over night, but it will be okay, and like you said it may not be over yet. My sister and her fiance dated for 5 years and must have broken up at least 3 times during that. If it's really meant to be, it will be, if not there's always hope for happiness elsewhere.

I spent the better part of three years single recently before I met the woman I'm with today, I didn't think I'd ever be with someone again, right when I gave up trying she found me. 8 months later here we are today. It can turn around, if you want to PM me I could let you know more of the story of why things went so badly for me, and how they changed, but It's not something I want every body reading. Anywho, the offer is there. If you want to talk let me know. Good luck.

Offline Madskillz

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2009, 06:30:10 pm »
AP that sucks man, I'm sure nothing I can say would help, but I'll try. We are always here for you and you can always hit me up with an email or an IM or a PM or any other means you can find if you wanna talk. Life can be harsh and love can be really cruel. Like Aaroneus said if it was meant to be not even heaven or hell itself can stop you two from being together. Sometimes a break is needed and I know you don't want to hear this but it may be good just to take a breather and let the relationship sort itself out. Suki will hopefully see in you what you obviously see in her and she wont ever want to let you go.

Hang in there,
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Offline Zera

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2009, 09:49:22 pm »
It sounds like Suki was less serious about this relationship than you. Sometimes, people grow-apart; sometimes, they have different priorities or irreconcilable differences. If you're both young, it's possible that Suki is intimidated by the prospect of settling into a long-term relationship, and wants to be free to explore other interests or opportunities until she's had more time to decide what she wants out of life. This is very common with younger folks and relationships.

Although I know it's difficult to cope with now, you will move on from this. Being dumped is a very painful experience, but it's a valuable life lesson none-the-less. What experience you've accrued from this relationship will benefit you in the future, when you finally do meet your soulmate and settle down together. This may be tomorrow, a year from now, or ten years from now. You may suffer many more break-ups or difficult relationships until then. As time goes on, you become less sensitive to these things, and have your wisdom to fall back on.

If your relationship with Suki has always been this off and on, then I would suggest moving on from her altogether. Although you feel strongly toward her, it seems pretty clear that she can't reciprocate these feelings in full. You may be setting yourself up for more needless heartache by trying to hold on to something that just isn't meant to be.

Don't give-up hope in the meantime. You will meet other girls and have other opportunities. It's important to think of what you've been through as part of a learning experience.

Offline skuller972

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2009, 10:00:49 pm »
well thanks to zera i read this, and trust me, even though im 13, i know what you mean. i once had something just like that, then one night i got a text at like 1 saying she didnt want to be my girlfriend, just friends, and she really felt bad and she liked someone else, and i read that, expecting a good message, and when i finished the first sentence, my heart hit me on the bottom of my heel. i tried to pretend it didnt happen and tried to avoid it and make her feel sorry for me, but our relationship went downhill from there. we're still friends now, and i hope you and suki are too.
Then again, maybe not...
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Offline Halifax

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2009, 10:41:32 pm »
I agree with everything that has been said thus far. At one point, my father told me, "The close of one door just means that a bigger and better door has opened for you somewhere else." Of course it didn't make sense to me at the time, but as moments, maybe months or years, pass it makes more sense.

I know how you are feeling, but hang in there. Don't do anything without a clear mind and thought. And the best of luck to you for the future.
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Offline DJ Omnimaga

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2009, 10:53:16 pm »
I would like to add (altough I might have said it in another post) that sometimes friends might care more than you think. Maybe very few of them, if not just one, but some might care more. Sometimes it's just that they don't necessarly know how to help or they are unable to show they care as much as others. In some cases it could even be someone online, even if you might never meet the person in real life.
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Offline {AP}

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2009, 10:57:30 pm »
To update you guys on the situation, (which was back in January in case you didn't see the date on the first post) everything's going okay, I guess.

She's been far too busy and it costs too much for us to keep in touch much anymore.
That'll change some time this summer though, so I'm hopeful.

As for me, I'm borderline insane. She's just kind of taken too much from me. I still hate life, I still want to die with every breath I take, and I'm still never happy. Well, okay... I have fleeting moments of happiness... those being when I talk to her, when I code, and when I sing. (I never sang before the breakup oddly enough)

Still, I'm mentally shaken... but it's not really her fault. She was just the finishing blow. I had a fucked up past and was on my last ounce of sanity... then she came around and helped fix things up. Though, now that she's gone... I'm right back where I was with the thoughts of her both exciting and haunting me constantly. The reason why I'm capable of finding these moments of happiness is that while I'm doing any of the above things... I don't consider myself in our reality anymore. I'm in another realm, where everything is fine and I'm not broken.

Still, reality comes back eventually... I've basically just given up hope to love, happiness, and even living.
Yet, I can't kill myself and get it over because I had promised her that I wouldn't and I never break a promise to someone I love.
No death is coming to me either, so I'm just kind of stuck here.

I may be alive, but I'm not living.

*sigh* Sorry for bringing you all into this, I really didn't want to... but venting is one of the things keeping a little bit of sanity in me.
I must say, that I'm relieved that people still seem to care about me. I've kind of felt like everyone was against me for quite some time.

Offline Zera

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2009, 11:14:46 pm »
If this relationship has seriously caused you to feel suicidal (and this is an ongoing state of emotion for you) then you need to start worrying about your state of mental health. It's not normal to be this hypersensitive to something like a break-up. Break-ups can be really painful, but suicidal enters the realm of mental instability and unhealthy obsession.

I think you should seek conventional help, such as counseling. What's said on a forum can't replace the care of a medical professional.

Offline {AP}

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2009, 11:24:09 pm »
Yeah, I know I'm going insane.
I'm mental unstable as hell and as I've said, the break up was more of the pulling of the trigger.
The bullet has been my life up to that point.

I've been suicidal FAR before I ever got into a relationship.
I've also both had medication and counseling for years but it's never helped.
Believe me, have you ever gone to a counselor? They have never told me anything that I haven't heard before and they haven't ever said more than you guys have.

Honestly, I have no idea what to do. Trained professionals have been useless, medication has never helped, and the only that that's useful at all has been the love from someone else. (Suki in this case.)
The problem now is that I've lost the only 'medication' that's ever cured (however temporary it may be) my mental problems.

Still, I'm in no danger of suicide for quite some time despite all this.
I wouldn't be here right now if I was.

Offline Eeems

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2009, 11:28:37 pm »
have you ever tried God?
/e

Offline {AP}

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2009, 11:37:17 pm »
Quick response here.
Religion pisses me off.

I'm sorry, but I just can't stand (or understand) how anyone can find hope by reading a really old book.
I can't honestly believe in some dude sitting up in the clouds overlooking our every move and answering everyone's prayers.

It's simple chaos and coincidence when things work out how they want it and when they don't work out they just go "Oh, God works in mysterious ways and has plans for everyone." blah, blah, blah, etc.

I'm not going to say anything more... I'm fine with everyone having their religion and will respect their mannerism and such... but I can never believe in any of that.

Offline Zera

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Re: Life's a Bitch
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2009, 11:44:18 pm »
I went through counseling and medication for depression when I was younger, but I was too young to be committed to it seriously. The only thing that helped me was assuming responsibility for my own life, and taking control of my emotions. It's really important that you learn self-reliance and not depend on other people too much, or internalize all these negative feelings when they don't live up to your expectations. You're investing way too much into a two-year relationship, and this probably has Suki feeling like she's being smothered. You have to consider what other people are going to feel or think when you express an unhealthy level of dependency on them -- especially if you tell them that you're suicidal without them in your life. This is going to scare most anyone away.

Being that you've been coping with these emotions for a while, I really don't think it's a good idea to be involved with anyone at the moment. You really should take a step back and ask yourself if you're even prepared for a relationship right now. Frankly, you're putting too much on your plate. Give yourself more time to come out of your teenage phase (I'm assuming you're in highschool?) and get a better idea of what you want from life before you try to get seriously involved with anyone.