Author Topic: I may not be here tomorrow (Read 2496 times)

CDI · « **on:** March 01, 2006, 02:01:00 pm »

I'm writing this to explain any abscenses I have had, or will have in the future as to not cause worrk. If anything was to happen to me I have very detailed instructions on how to contact everyone to let them know and take approprate actions.

I (as many of you should know) am very depressed, although I do not always show it, I am sad/depressed 99.9% of the time. In most cases people would get anti-depressants or see a shrink. I chose to reach out to the one community I feel that I belong in, this one. And they helped for the most part, a few more than others, and a few not at all, but as a total they kept me alive for a month and for that I am grateful. But alas I cannot sustain the activity I once could (see, summer of '05 for refrence) and as well, I cannot find the drive to program as much or as fast as I once could, I find myself in the same situation as xlibman, making the same things over and over because I do not know what to make, nor feel like making anything. I will always be active in some way/shape/form but not nearly as much (most of you have notices I'm sure that I do not resopnd as quickly, nor respond with as much as I used to) and I am also sorry to xlibman that I have to go through this at the same time you do, same goes for the entire community, I am truly sorry that I am doing this to you right after xlibman has.

I wouldn't worry about any of my pending projects, as most will be finished sometime, if not as quick as most of you would wish. But I'm sure you can understand my situation. And I am truly sorry, because in my head I have no rightful excuse for this. I can probably guess most (if not all) of you would disagree, but seeing what some of you have gone through, imho, my life has been a breeze, nice, enjoyable even! But it hasn't, in a nice way to put it, my emotions have been ripped to shreds and had the sh*t beat out of them with a mallet.

Even if in the end I do dicide to come back as a full time member of the commnity I do not think I'll have that spark I used to have nor the ability to program what I could. But that is to be expected. I am especially sorry to the newer people that they did not get to know me better, nor the happier me that inhabited the days of old, and I am sorry they have to go through all of this with people leaving. (I'm allowed to feel old in the community, 2.5 or so years is still long)

If I have caused any pain to anyone take this post to mean the best and to try and heal all old wounds, to those I have offended I am sorry in the fullest sense of the words. I am also sorry to anyone I have flamed, or on the offhand chance just plain pissed off. I am sorry to friends, as well as comrades. And most of all I am sorry to kalan_vod, xlibman, Darth Android, DarkAuron, tr1p1ea, and Merthsoft; you guys belived in me the most of the entire community.

I will stick around as long as possible, but for the time being consider me receeding...

@xlibman/kalan_vod - if you wish you can downgrade my status from the programming group, it isn't like I contributed anything really

DJ Omnimaga · « **Reply #1 on:** March 01, 2006, 02:57:00 pm »

CDI, I understand how you must feel, as I am kinda feeling the same as you atm. Sometimes I just feel like dissapearing from this world. If I am still there today thats because of the people here who support me and doing anything bad would hurt most of those around, plus there are people I like there and on other forums as well. I know it is the same for you, if you would do anything bad lot of ppl would be hurt as well.

You don't need to be sorry about anything. From my knowledge I never saw you flaming anyone, and if you did you flamed someone who was flaming someone you like, and even if you can become upset sometimes I understand it, we have big mood swings sometimes and when lot of stuff goes on we can't control our emotions. I dunno how to formulate it sry, but one thing is sure: you contributed a lot to this community, just look at your calcgames profile, you made lot of basic games in a few time that are above the average and I see myself putting FFR and Metroid back on my calc sometimes to play again because I enjoy your work. Plus you have been progressing very fast in TI-BASIC, pure or not. You also provided lot of support in the community, if you left for good the ti community wouldnt be the same anymore, at least for a long while. The number of program you made doesnt matter, you have contributed in some way to the community, and to Omnimaga as well.

I really hope things go well for you, and please reconsider doing anything bad to yourself. You may want to take a break from this if you want, sometimes it helps. I had to give away Omnimaga to someone else to have less pressure, since I had too much going on, I havent coded for ages and I dunno if I'll ever do again. Sure thing is that you are staying staff here, unless you would permanently leave calc programming for good, but for now you are still with us, you are one of the staff who contributed the most since omnimaga exists.

kalan_vod · « **Reply #2 on:** March 01, 2006, 03:50:00 pm »

Fred I am truely sadden from this, and I wish to help you in any way or form I can (you can still call me anytime, if you can get it to work). Like Kevin said the community wouldn't be the same if you left, as well as if Kevin left. I am not trying to hurt anyone, but if it wasn't for you, Kevin, DA, and tr1p1ea I would even be here. I know I didn't know you for a long time, but I feel we have had some great times. Hey if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have made a good version of minesweeper! I hope you can figure this out, but if you can't I will help you along with Kevin and a few others. Heck if you needed an intervention we would do one on IRC!

As you not thinking you contributed anything to the community, your dead wrong! You just being here not making any programs is helping the community. If you and Kevin left then I don't see myself doing much anymore if any, hell I might end up leaving...I know you will get through this, as a month ago you were going to end it all but we were able to help you stay around a month more! And I think we could get you to stay longer if you were to allow us that chance.

As I told Kevin, we can't make decisions for you though we wish we could. And I know for a fact that what ever you decide to do will be the best thing for you, as long as it isn't harmfull to you lossing your life. If you take a break from the community that would be ok, but I hope you don't leave for long. Please reconsider anything you plan on doing to harm yourself!

I Love you like a brother and I couldn't and wouldn't want to see you dissappear!

CDI · « **Reply #3 on:** March 07, 2006, 09:54:00 am »

Well, I'll have you all know I have gotten better (with more help from Darth Android than anything) and, while I am not "better" so to speak, I am. I am however, fine at this moment, I know why too o.- though, so maybe I can keep it going. I however could not hurt myself in conventional ways (kinda low tolerance for pain sometimes) so that's good. I do however thank you all for listening to me and for trying to help. :bow:

kalan_vod · « **Reply #4 on:** March 07, 2006, 12:25:00 pm »

Yays!1!!1!!!1!!!! I am happy that you are better, now lets just pray for others including myself.

CDI · « **Reply #5 on:** March 07, 2006, 01:38:00 pm »

-.- Yes (you're having problems? You can always talk to me, of if you want me to call I think I know a way, if you're free)

And I'm not strictaly "better" but "better that I was" though, I don't expect it to last -.-

kalan_vod · « **Reply #6 on:** March 07, 2006, 02:57:00 pm »

It's not much of anything I am doing wrong that is making me upset. Also I still have next week to do much of the things I have been wanting to do, it's spring break!